Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Here's Gin In Your Eye...

In the comments section of the "Unfortunate Trend" post, Erin said:
I think it's nice that you ran into two exes and neither one of them yelled at you are threw a drink in your face.*

No, no, never had a girl throw a drink in my face -- never dated Bette Davis. I did, however, have a guy throw a drink in my face once. Not coincidentally, he did great impressions of Bette Davis, both pre- and post-stroke.

In my early twenties I had gone to visit college friends who happened to have HBO (a luxury in those lean years, but no, that's not why I went to visit them). While there, we watched several episodes of "Kids In The Hall" and was I surprised to discover how funny the show was. I had previously seen an episode on a "free-HBO" weekend, and thought they kinda blew -- nothing worse than comedy that tries too hard. But I liked what I saw on second exposure.

Shortly after, I was at a party and regaling my friends Ben and Cindy with my badly-remembered renditions of the skits I had seen. I was telling them about "Running Faggot," which featured a catchy song about a folk-hero homosexual who dressed like Davy Crokett and ran from town to town, solving the frontierspeople's problems ("He stopped the carnage / by gettin' folks a talkin' / 'stead just a sqawkin'/ sqawkin' and a gawkin'" and "See the faggot / he feed a puppy"). However, I was singing this song within earshot of my friend Will, who was gay and expressed his displeasure with my cavalier use of the word "faggot" by throwing his Tanqueray and tonic in my face. "Oops," he said. "I guess my hand just slipped."

While wiping the gin from my face, I tried explaining to Will that the song came from a skit I had seen on tv, and that he would probably love the show too, etc etc. He wasn't having any of it. It didn't help my cause that Ben and Cindy found the slapstick of my getting doused funnier than any of the skits they were hearing about second-hand. I was eventually vindicated: Will did become a big fan of "Kids In The Hall" when he saw them.

I could be wrong, but I don't think there's anyone whose first impulse would be to throw a drink in my face -- a fact I would like worked into my eulogy, if possible.

*I recognise the use of "are" in this sentence is a typo, unless my sister has begun speaking like a pirate. Ahhh...and wouldn't that be great?


Carol said...

Tom just told me this absolutely bizarre and hilarious story about a smacked-ass associate at his firm who crapped her pants on the way to the toilet -- and unceremoniously left a turd in the office hallway. (Can you say thong underwear?) So the phrase "well, at least you never crapped in the office hallway" has become our new catchphrase for "things could be worse."

I think it's fair to say (at least to my knowledge) that you have neither given cause for a former girlfriend to throw a drink in your face, or crapped in the office hallway.

A fine achievement, one that we all can strive to emulate.

Uptow Bobby F said...

He threw drink in your face? How gay is that? That's like Muslims making death threats to authors of articles on how the Koran is a book that preaches violence. Maybe irony is dead, after all.

UPTOWN Bobby F said...

That's "uptown," not "uptow." In my haste I mistyped.

Anyway, you're like Robert Redeker, that French teacher who called the Koran "a book of extraordinary violence" that shows the prophet Mohammad to have been "a pitiless warlord, pillager, massacrer of Jews and polygamist." And then got death threats from offended Muslims.

Ha ha. The world is crazy. I think I'll throw a drink in my own face.

Iva said...

Will Who?? I want his full name and address...I have some Muslims I want to contact about him!

erin said...

One of the best moments in the book And the Band Played On, is when playwright Larry Kramer throws his drink in the face of a Regan aide who happens to be gay.

There's no point to that, really. It's just where my brain went.

It could've been worse. He could have thrown Coors Light in your face. Or Bacardi Rum.

erin said...

Damn, you can't edit your comments. Oh, well. I just noticed this:

"*I recognise the use of "are" in this sentence is a typo, unless my sister has begun speaking like a pirate. Ahhh...and wouldn't that be great?"

Well, John. I will have you know that I answered a question in class yesterday with a "Yarr!" So, the pirate-speak has begun. Matey.